“To reach distant places, one has to take the first step”

Its been almost a year since I spoke to my grandmother, one blessed year. No coughing, no hacking, I am well. Yes, I miss her. No, I do not regret what I said. She still believes that me and mom are the reason the family has fallen apart. But that is wrong. The glue fell apart when my great grandma and grandpa had gotten very sick.  Their memory was the tape. And after a while tape lets go as well, its still there but what it was holding together looses its peace. All it took was one bump, one big huge ass bump. It was going to happen sooner or later it doesn’t matter if you guilt people into being with you, everyone leaves. My grandmother told me that I should “forgive” the people who did you wrong, then what about her siblings? Her family? I still love my family, and given the chance, I would die for them. I grew up believing I was always the third wheel, no one wants me, no one cares what I think. I spent many years that way. I was told that the reason my parents split up was because of me being a bad child, but that was bound to happen as well. My grandmother told me many things, that my father was a bad person. Mom never told me that. My dad is not a bad person, just went through some messy shit. Right now I have both my parents at my back, I now have another person who I look to like a parent as well. Not all my family is related to me by blood. I am thankful for the things I have learned and earned, over the years past. Ive learned that even the closest of family will stab you in the back, and even the newest of friends will heal it. The scar is still there, but the hurt is gone. This summer I worked at the local honey farm, I saw what a real family looked like, they had lunches together everyday. I felt like the odd duck out, but after a while (2 days) I felt at home. Im going back next year and I cant wait, it will make me sad if the two people who I worked with are not there when I start up again. It was my home away from home and always will be. I know its kinda creepy, but that’s how I feel in my heart of hearts. I cant speak these words, ill just fuck it up. When I type them like I do now, its easier to form the words, its much easier to explain. The one thing I know is that normally, people don’t play favorites on their grandchildren or on whoever can clean up the most of your house. For the longest time I had kept my mouth shut, the crap that happened this time last year broke me.  Once again my grandmother removed my mother from being in her daughter list and replaced her, AGAIN. My mom went through enough of her shit, taking money that did not belong to her, turning my mom against people who didn’t deserve it. My grandmother never told my mom that she loved or cared for her. My grandmother never even raised my mom. I cant see a life without my mother standing by my side. She was always afraid that she would become my grandmother, but that will never happen, because she always makes an effort (A for effort). My mom protected me as best she could and I will never be able to pay her back. In 9 months I will graduate, I don’t care if my grandmother is there for the ceremony, Rhia did not invite her to the banquet, nether will I. I realize that the family on that side, are pissed at me and mom but they only heard on part of the story. And from what I know its most likely twisted as hell to make sure that they don’t talk to us. All those times I cleaned house and I found out that on the phone right in front of me I didn’t clean the house, She did. I worked hard on that yard during that last summer, apparently it was a ‘we’. And out of all seriousness telling me that I don’t know what an addiction is, is a clear understatement. My grandmother sucks on smokes like its her only life source. And soon it will kill her, if all that tar on her houses walls was just with 10 years of smoking I can guess what her lungs look like since she started. She stopped for everyone else for about twenty minutes, but when it comes up to her grandchild’s health, never. Over twenty times I had to be on antibiotics, since I stopped going there before my tonsil removal I had 1 time to be on antibiotics. And the people started smoking outside for me. I lined up 10 medications that I was on for her to see what her smoking was doing to me, she shrugged off. Its like saying that there is no cure for cancer to a cancer patient. One time I refused to go grab her smokes for her and she bursts into tears calling me cruel, ME CRUEL? How can someone who deliberately makes people sick call the sick person cruel? She seems to believe that the world revolves around her, well grandma, telling you to pull your head out of your ass and take a breath of fresh air may kill you. I am afraid the thing you have is terminal, if life were like that you wouldn’t need a visa card. Get my meaning? We know that grandma and grandpa would be ashamed of you for sitting there and wallowing in your own self pity. Too far? No, because this will never change you, you and your new best friend may send cops after me, or try to hurt me again and again. The damage was done long ago, if you throw a rock in the water the ripples will only last so long before they disappear.

For as long as I can remember I have always been afraid of people. I don’t like hugging, touching, or talking to people. I am even afraid of people I know and have known for a long time. Literally. If I was to choose someone as apposed to a oversized rabid dog id most likely choose the dog.

 I can’t stay in a crowded place for long before I get miserable, twitchy and scared. I can’t go to Wal-Mart or Superstore for longer than half of an hour. Especially in Winkler. Have you ever gotten so annoyed with someone that you wanted to grab there faces and smash it into the concrete in till it’s a bloody mess? Well that’s kind of like how I feel or I feel scared and I want to hide in a corner and cry (I have actually done so.)

Its not that I am chubby or how I look that makes me so uncomfortable in the presence of living human beings, I don’t care what people think of me. But there is something deep inside me that makes me like this. I’ll most likely never find out, because if I was stuck in an office talking to a physiatrist I wouldn’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about what’s wrong with me, I don’t want to talk about the pain I go through, and when I do I over do it. The only way I have been able to voice my own thoughts is by writing it up.

I have already been called crazy, I act older than I am, apparently I look older too (except for height people could have sworn I was in my early twenties and I already had kids). But, i am just slightly more advanced in the brains depot. But when I am trying to learn things even the easiest of things, I fail. I loved chemistry I paid attention in class, sadly was late in some assignments, and I just about failed my exams. I knew what the right answers where or the right formulas were, just I sat down for the OPEN BOOK exam and everything went. I would sit there after filling in all the answers and id go through it to see if there were any mistakes and correct them if there were any. Then two weeks later, wed get them back and id have a mark of 52 to 67, months of studying for the exams then cramming the night before and I low mark? I hardly passed! I would go through it and find out that most of my answers were wrong anyway. I didn’t matter if the formula was right, or if I did it the long way or not. Then anger came, I was angry at my self, at the textbook, the notes I took down. But mostly I was angry at myself.  My whole chemistry year was at 52% even after I handed in all that stuff that Mr. K said would bump up my mark. Why did I bother? I know why, because I had faith in my teacher and I believed that he would help. Maybe that’s why I don’t like people, because when you actually believe in these people they turn around and stab you in the back. With a dull wooden spoon. That’s the human race for ya!

To me faith is just another word. Just like love, it’s another word too; could you describe love to someone without using the word? Just like sadness, hate, anger, ETC. People who say I am sorry have worn out the word, because no one really means it.

I wont say I am sorry for this post if it makes you annoyed with me, because I only say sorry when I mean it, I was taught to mean what I say.

If someone happened to ask me who you are these are 10 things I would say about you.

#1. You are a good person, and a person who I trust, for I only talk to those I trust and like.

#2. You are weird; I don’t know any one who isn’t special in their own way…

#3. You’re a good listener; at least you pretend to listen… I know I do.

#4. Your fun, no one can be as boring as my sister so that’s always a plus. But I love her any way… maybe.

#5.  You’re not completely insane, at least when you’re not out and about.

#6. You have a weird tick, your either funny in a ha-ha way or funny in a … way.

#7. You listen to good music, some times.

#8. You lost your mind to the mind owl; he’s always looking for fresh ones…

#9.  You are one of the people who I might let live… might.

#10. Stop asking questions I don’t know the answer to…

That’s all the things I could say about you… mostly ill use #10.

I wanna be a human jelly bean!!!

Well, lots of weird stuff has happened… I gots a cell phone, still learning how to text.. you should try to teach a dyslexic how to text.its a Samsung entro.. yeah.

Any way heres  10 stuff you need to know about me… most of them are not real see if you can tell which…

 #1. I died February 1^st of 2011 here is my obituary :

Carrie Danielle Martindale – Wetherup was born on October 4, 1994, to Mr. Jason Wetherup and Mrs. Jodi Martindale. She died February 2^nd 2011, of a freak accident with a toothbrush, a cinderblock and a half eaten cookie, Very Tragic. Carrie Martindale and her sister grew up and went to school in Miami, Manitoba. She left a will behind saying that she will leave everything she owns to her dog Sugar, her cat Ty, and her rat Jynx. No one knew her favorite movie; I think she was quite indecisive about that herself, but by far Torchwood and Due South were her favorite shows. Carrie was planning on being a forensic anthropologist, and she had high hopes that someday she would be able to go to Ireland with her mother and sister

        Carrie was a baseball player who with her team one a gold metal in 2010 and a video gamer; she loved to read books on the zombie apocalypse and was planning on making her own titled, “the teenagers guide to the zombie apocalypse”. Carrie is best known for her evil and sick thoughts; she loved watching horror movies, and describing certain scenes from each book, or movie to her sister Rhiannon, she loved spending time with her family and was a complete clean freak. I can remember the last time she scalded her mother and sister for procrastinating on cleaning the house, they never do it right you must scrub it until it squeaks. Carrie was very good at impersonating certain people and always loved making her sister laugh hysterically until she sounded like Chewbacca.

.       Carrie Martindale really wished that she could be buried with all her stuff but it turns out that might be illegal, oh well. Carrie was thought that she should be a comedian but stage fright always got the best of her. She did not like to be pestered to make people laugh things just came to her on random. Carrie is best known for saying “No!” and believed  highly that if she was to make a choice in between a leach and a hug from her sister she would take the leach. She will be mourned by her family and friends and soon to be zombies who will never have her to lead them.

May She Rest In Pieces.

Yeah that’s right… I slipped on a half eaten cookie while brushing my teeth and I smacked into a bookshelf with a cinderblock atop, which crushed my head… awesome isn’t it? I made that on February 2^nd as a history project… love writing my obituary.

#2.  I am married to Frank N. Stein 1600- 2011 and onward.

Another history project about being fille du roi (children of the king?)

#3. I am an evil villain set on taking over the world with my zombie minions and turn all living human beings into food for them… BRAINS

#4. subway is not sub way its ZOMBIE! Eat Flesh!

#5. Im not crazy I Perform this way!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhuHeOCM6Aw&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1&safe=active

#6. I prefer animals and dead people to live people.

#7. I don’t like kids, only a couple, and that’s my cousin and my moms god daughter.

#8. don’t ever come into my mind… its dark and scary and full of dead people…

#9. I am dyslexic, yet, almost none of my teachers know it

!0#. I almost forgot… my mom and sister think I should be a comedian because apparently, im funny… hows that all I have to do to make rhia laugh is hold a finger up and bend it… I know weirdo right…?

That’s 10 things you should know about me… I am an evil dyslexic ambassador to the zombie world who has been dead for months, has a husband and wants to be a green jelly bean… and I just threw this to together because I was board and had lots of caffeine and ive only got like 10 minutes till history. Hope you had fun reading about my crazy thoughts…

We lost a loved one on Sunday, nyx our rat 12/09 – 04/11, My heart had joined the thousands, for my friend stopped running today.

For the last couple of weeks I have been frustrated, on edge, and tired. I have been un able to sleep during the nights and I have been trying to catch up to things that arnt really needed to catch up on. Over the last week I have only slept through 4 nights out of 7 and the death of our rat had made me feel extremely broken, on top of that that basement had flooded leaving about 2 ft when I got back from spring break, and after getting rid of most of that water, the basement re flooded to at least a foot and we cant empty it until the lines freeze. After the first time we pumped it out I had noticed that some mold had already started to show on the woods down there. What really hurt was that at the middle of spring break I cleaned that basement… I had the floor nicely swept, the litter box mess cleaned (because the cats… instead of going in the litter box found a place right behind the stairs to go), I set the litter box up on an old table covered with news paper, I had set some boxes up on the wood slates, and I had set some of our empty boxes onto the floor beside the stairs for packing. And the 2 foot rise of water wiped out whatever mess would have shown up on the floor (because I still don’t trust our cats) and the boxes became wet sludge. On top of all that my 2 year old Xbox 360 had fallen down a distance of at least a foot and a half… it still works somehow, but I still worry that it might not… and I will not let anyone but me buy me a new one. But during all that frustration this song came into my head.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpt7RJUGpdE&p=156C08455D1F742B&safety_mode=true&persist_safety_mode=1&safe=active

LINKIN PARK- IREDECENT

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
when you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now
you were there and possibly alone.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failiures all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

And in the burst of light that blinded every angel
as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
you felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space
no one there to catch you in there arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failiures all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

(Multiple Voices)
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failiures all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go,

let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failiures all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

This is an old in finished then finished blog post thingy I had made a long while back.

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People say I am very mature for my age, I don’t really know why, maybe its because I discipline people and kids, with the same discipline that I learned from my mom, I even use a bit of that on her. But I do have moments where I will act very immature, I don’t like it when I am wrong, and sometimes I don’t like it when I am right. I have said things that I have regretted and there are things that I haven’t said that I regret, I believe that we all have at some point or another. I look at the world as if it will bite me because it has many times, I have gone through hell and back, made difficult choices, given up things that I wish I hadn’t and many more.

Long ago, I was very angry at myself, at members of my family, at the world. Because I thought I had done something really wrong to be having the life I have. I was told by a counselor long ago that I was the cause of my parents spitting up, that I was a very bad child. And I let it get to me, I believed that teachers/counselors were always right no matter what, that’s the point of their name isn’t it? To teach people. Because of her, I gave up on trying to be me. I don’t remember how long ago that was, but I stopped to look at myself, I listened to my mom more and more, soon that voice became a forgotten memory. Until now I forgot that women even existed, and now that I think back to that time she was wrong, so was I, to question myself and my abilities. But I did stop speaking my mind to people at the school, I stopped telling people what I thought, and that gave me away as the sad/shy/pathetic sort of person I am only the closest of people know I am much deeper than that.

 My bark isn’t as bad as my bite and I do get hostile when  it comes to protecting my family. I can’t see the people I love hurt, because than I hurt. That’s what love is, isn’t it? It hurts, not a bad hurt, a good hurt. But when I see people have a bad hurt, physically or mentally, I hurt, and it hurts a lot. I know what it feels like to feel insignificant, to feel like it’s all my fault. Bullies strengthened this, my marks did as well, and some teachers have too.

Back then I would not act on my emotions, I would wallow in it, it made me hurt, and me wallowing in it was rubbing it in. I fought off dark thoughts about how much happier they would have been if I just fell of the map, died, been discontinued. now that i think of it bullies would find some one else to pester, who cares about my marks, and teachers maybe they will go to their dark spots. But most of all I would be  doing what I am trying to prevent, that bad hurt, to friends,  My mom, my sis, my dog…. I needed something that would tell me what they were making me feel was not real, that’s why I cling to old keepsakes, and animals. They make me feel safe, remember good memories, get me to relax. Pyewacket, I will always cling to, he may not be here physically, but he IS here!  I realize that he may be upset with me for getting another cat. But no one would replace him. Sugar, she is my pride and joy, yes she has her flaws, so everyone does. She brings me back to earth, I would not want to be around me if anything happened to her. My mom and my sister are my ball and chain (NOT IN A BAD WAY!!) or in outher words my anchor, they stand beside me no matter what I do. And without the others standing by I wouldn’t have been writing this.

That woman changed everything for me and yes I hate her but I am slightly glad she did what she did. She made me, me… the one, the only big pain in the ass Carrie. I want to get out of the habit of not being able to talk to people, mingle with strangers, but I have a HUGE fear of crowds*(the one place where I will spontaneously burst into tears), and most times I prefer to be alone with my own thoughts.

*ochlophobia (I have a limit to 6-8 people and sometimes that’s pushing it)

Yes, I regret a lot of things, but regret gets you nowhere. I also don’t regret a lot of things (yelhs).

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Well I hope you kind-of did not get too confused by that, I sort of did and I am not even sure I remember when I wrote this but there were something’s that were changed, it was a huge mess before. Its been cleaned up a little bit and set in some order till I got lazy.

i just spent last week being so sick i could hardly swollow, but know im back and the only thing that hurts other than my throat is my ear… i feel another ear infection coming on hopefully it will start this weekend after school.. of i go see doc f for another round of antibiotics.

anyway im finally working on a project that is worthy to work hard on…

A TEENAGERS GUIDE TO ZOMBIE PREPAREDNESS!!!~

and i did a little jingle… remember that little thing that you sing to your kids? on top of spaghetti all covered in cheese i lost my poor meatball when somebody seneezed?

well than you havent heard this one!!

on top of dead bodies,

all covered in gore.

i cant find my damn gun,

to pile up some more.

i hear some more zombies,

all wanting to eat.

where the fuck is my gun?

to shoot some more meat.

 i found my gun ,

i piled up some more.

i popped their heads,

one, two, three, four.

thank you thankyou!!

hi every one welcome to Draco’s Den. yea thats right no more sharing with the sister not any more!

this is really the first time i’ve noticed this but the sound of the computers keyboard is bothering me, hurting my ears, so im going to listen to music. yays

any who i am doing just great i got to play a lot of guitar hero3 this week and i got past the easy difficulty finally, my birthdays past already but it still feels like its here, and ive been seeing more and more spirits in and by the house lately and in the garage. at least i feel more safer around the yard i haven’t seen the horse rider as much as i did back last summer thank god he always brought up my guard *shivers down spine*. me and rhia found another place that creeps me out i usually see lots of spirits there except they don’t bring my guard up like the horse rider except even if the horse riders place is not far they all make me feel safe just like howls from coyotes or wolves(which ill hardly ever hear). and ive been hearing my name more often like some one whispering my name or saying “hello?” , or “someone help”. creepy? i cant stand that. i can stand the shuffling and thumping but please no more whispering those make me worried .